The most beautiful and risky aspect about life is the surprises it has to offer. When you find yourself smiling at the time you thought you would have cried bitterly. Laughing at a joke which you always thought was poor in taste. Finding out something about yourself which totally contradicts what you thought about yourself. Finding out something about someone which totally contradicts what you thought about them. Waking up one day in Kafka’s outfit all alone and miserable. Its never ending. Never entirely good or bad.

I have always lived life by rules. Even if I ever liked surprises, those few occasional times, it was because I told myself, “it is good to like and appreciate change!” You know you give those quizzes, better than those on facebook, in which they analyze your personality based on questions such as whether you like surprises etc. And if you say you don’t like things out of control you are judgeed negatively on that. So I learnt to say I like change and get on with it well enough.

Whenever I had a heart break I completely drowned myself in work. When ever I was on the verge of accepting my feelings I counter argue that feelings are meaningless. You know, as we read and see in books and movies that people are afraid to fall in love because of the fear of falling out of it. I could totally relate to it. In fact what exactly is love I didn’t know. I could never really understand the link between happiness and love. Read a lot and experienced a lot. But it didn’t really help. After first few experiences the lesson I taught myself was to be always on guard. Never to let yourself into something completely. Never to wade into deeper waters. Always remain secure in the bounded arena. And in fact it is a good thing to do. Unlike what romantic movies teach us. It is definitely not a good idea to stop a taxing aircraft to declare your love for someone! I don’t think all impulsive moves are bad, but I don’t think they are always influential. Or define love.

I guess enough of cryptic sermon already. I should give some story to support it. From last 1 month the only thing in my mind has been that my fiance is going to move to a different city. For all practical purposes he is my husband. And it has been quite some time since we have known each other and been sharing lives. Only once we have been in different cities, when I was trying a stint in Udaipur. And I can’t even begin to explain what a terrible time it was for me. For a person who lives by rules, things become quite difficult when they are not controlled by them. Of course, I can’t control our living in different cities. However, I should be able to control the flurry state of my mind and heart. This was one thought which took over me completely. Now how do you control your mind? Many suggestions from different sources: drown yourself in work (most unimaginative one)! learn something new (makes sense – but how does that control my mind??). become spiritual!!!! (source – rich mahogany smelling book stores) All are good suggestions. None effective at all. Why the hell can’t I do all this if I move with him? How are these things related to our living on east and west coasts of a 3000 km wide country??!!

I did my best at applying an art I have learnt recently – procrastinate fearful thoughts! Who said procrastinating is all negative? It is one of the most important survival skill. I have learnt it a bit. So then that period got passed. And suddenly I found myself all alone. This concept of all alone is also quite flawed. It is a mirage. But this realization came as a sweet surprise which I would write about later. Anyways, the first few moments when I missed him were quite painful I can’t deny. But a very good thing happened very soon. I allowed myself to break the rules for just a while. I let myself bask in the pain. Let myself be as sorry as possible. Without any rule in my head telling me it is wrong to cry, it is wrong to miss someone so much, it is wrong to be not happy. However, that control button inside me was itching to be pressed. And just then I called an old old school friend. And guess what she told me. Its ok to keep the breaking rules phase going. That was a like a charm I kept repeating to myself which was going to help me get out of the dark tunnel. And out I am now!

The sweetest surprise is that when I thought I would be totally miserable on a holiday without him, I am actually quite enjoying myself. Its already been almost 2 weeks since I have seen him. And so honestly I do am missing him quite a lot. But that doesn’t mean I am not happy. And not as a result of lot of mental work like working my ass off (the most common suggestion), trying hard to focus on other things in life, and so on. But simply by doing things impulsively! In fact now that life has thrust this change upon me, shook me out of my comfort zone, I realize how I have stopped doing things impulsively. How I have started finding comfort in routine things. And missed out on all the fun which simply following your heart desires has to offer. I was so scared of going to a cinema hall alone for the fear of feeling too lonely! Isn’t that stupid! Today I woke up in morning. Had no plans to fight my loneliness. Felt like watching a movie. Didn’t give it another thought. Just went for it. Enjoyed a lot! And the rest of the day was just smoothed out.

The second surprise was that I realized the connection between love and happiness. Happiness is not just a state of mind. It is not something to work upon either. Happiness is what happens to you when you are in love. Not necessarily with just a person. It can be a non-directed feeling. Maybe in love with life. I realized I have never blogged on love. What a waste of all these years of writing. All this sounds quite cheesy if you read it in a different mood I know. But you know, quite a bit of it is also true. I am quite glad even after being as old as 26, which btw is v v old, I get sweetly surprised by regaining a lost side of my personality – being impulsive and yet not placing my bets on it!

1. Start to believe in the existence of God  -or at least start questioning the strong belief that It doesn’t exist

2. Frequent pangs of insomnia

3. Back aches

4. Start to read while on toilet seat

5. Various noises during morning ablution

6. Growing need to be friendly, social with everyone – least you die alone

7. Making lists of what all you want to do – five year planning

8. TV is your new best friend

9. Take an auto for a 10 minutes walk distance

10. Sugarfree tea, sugarfree coffee, sugarfree nimbu pani ….. sugar free chocolate!

11. Calling maa every day.

12. Don’t remember what half of your wardrobe looks like.

Please add on the list if you have your own weird habits!

my password today.. that shows how much I have been ignoring this writing space. Also shows how damn busy I have been.

I can’t remember very well the last hol I enjoyed. Thoroughly. I guess it must be Goa in mid-March. I loved Goa irrespective of my disliking the fact that we didn’t see much there. I guess its the effect of being in water. Body-sailing with the tides. Its thrilling. Kashid beach is the best one I have been to so far. Including Andamans. Nevertheless, you cross 25 and you start caring for your life. And so, I prefer those beaches where I see a life-gaurd hanging around. Even though he might not have equipment or facilities to be able to save me if I am in a real danger! I just like the thought that the chances that I drown and die reduce at least a bit.

Yeah, thinking of water brings back the peace. I can’t even seem to remember the mountains. It’s almost like 6 months since I went up to a decent height. I can’t imagine why I do this with myself. I blame Mumbai and late-coming (read No-coming) of monsoons! Every week I dream of going up lush green Shayadris, while getting soaked up in water falls.. and it never happens.

I feel like Aamir Khan in DCH after Shalini lefts him. Its as if the whole world is passing by and I am standing in a corner watching it. I know I am thinking all off-track and if I start thinking morbidly it’s not gonna end. But sometimes you need just a small pause. The music sounds like cacophony right now. My friend who is married with a kid and is usually miserable that she is not working or earning for herself, independent, or in a nutshell would love to exchange her life with mine, usually hears similar woes from me! I feel like I have no time for myself. Much like what she says. I am too tired to do anything at the end of the day. And too lonely to do anything alone anyways! This week I just watched TV for like 4 hours after returning from office. Its just the life which I thought I would never lead. I hate TV. I hate the idea that I just work the whole day and and then spend the remaining time de-stressing myself.  I don’t seem to be able to break this barrier. There is so much to do but either I am v bad at managing energy levels and time or I am not able to break the problem in sub-problems correctly.

Any suggestions?

Happy Holi to colour our lives, our dreams and to colour each other with hopes and joys! 

This year I sent sms to all my friends and family saying Happy Holi. And I wished the rest over phone. I usually don’t send such wishes. I usually don’t even call people. But lately life has taught me to keep in touch with friends and relatives. Its not enough to simply feel connected to other person, it is important to show it as well! 

Of course there is usually a set of people in your life who would love you even if you go and murder someone. I am not refering to them. I am talking to about those with whom you can spend your weekend once in a while or pass time with. You don’t appreciate how important they are for you. I have learnt in Mumbai local trains people have made friends to chat with while commuting and who have remained friends forever. There are too many faces of friendship to quantify or to attach a label to them. The idea is to keep the relationship alive by just a hello or a wish. And I am glad I m doing it now!

I m forcing myself to type something right now. So many posts have already been blown away by the fast wind that crashes on my window sill as the bus runs across the city.  I just want to write something which is not a term paper or an assignment or a draft report or a mail or an elementary math question! 

The consciously least used sense is perhaps that of smell. Or touch. For most of us. Who do not live in Mumbai. Or who mostly/only travel in taxi in Mumbai. For the remaining set, touch and smell are just as often used as any other senses. Thats true. The touch and smell senses used or mis-used while commuting for mere 3 hours of the day are enough to last the entire day. 

First 10 days in Mumbai, I started recognizing the different stinks at different locations which my bus would cross at different time intervals. For instance at 6:30 I would reach Vashi Creek which would smell of dirty stagnant water. At 6:40 I would reach Mankrund which would stink of different kind of chemicals. At 8:30 in morning I would reach another place, I don’t know name of which, that would stink of human shit. Like this the places-times and smells are inter related. (Of course, only on the days I catch the bus on time – which is a subset of – only on the days when the bus comes on time!)

Next few days I started smelling people. Of course, I am living in a coastal area, so people would smell of fish. But, there are other kinds of smells as well. Fart. Which distinguishes according to what the person might have had in dinner last day. Perspiration. You live in Mumbai in April and May and you would smell the same. Or else you would smell of some deodorant. You would definitely not smell like you. Alcohol. Who gets drunk at 9 am in morning??!! Oh I m such a naive! This guy is drunk from last night! Like wasted IITians! 

Touch. This is especially an irony in my life because its not even 2 months since I have returned from the US. Where you can’t touch a child as an expression of love or care unless it is a culturally appropriate touch. Now, when I sit on an aisle seat on the bus there are penises touching my shoulder most of the time. The bus is designed in such a way that the crouch area of a  human body of average height would reach the seat. Of course the bus is crowded and over-crowded. There is no space to stand. So what do you say to the guy whose crouch is touching/rubbing your shoulder? As I learnt, you move as much as possible so that you are not touched. Though this is not always possible. Now if crouch area is right in front of you, so would be the butt area as well. Its not much pleasant either. When you are standing you squeeze through two people. So basically now my personal circle of space has reduced to 3 cms radius. Living in the most densely populated city in the world and if this doesn’t happen to you – its a waste. Its like you go to Korea and never taste a snake! 

This time I didn’t make any new year resolutions or celebrations. But circumstances pushed me to dream harder. To make bigger plans. I don’t see much gay or fun in recent present so making long term plans. Less than five years are left before I turn 30, and there are few things I wanna do/have before the end of the golden years of youth!

- Make out at the top of a mountain, outside in rain and on a beach

- Have a honeymoon in Kashmir, and one in Austria; before that:

- Get Married

- Cook a proper 4 course delicious sumptous authentic Italian dinner 

- Get at least one article (or in worst case: a letter) published in good newspaper (not TOI, HT)

- Paint a wall of my house with graffiti; before that:

- Have a home where I live for at least 2 years at a stretch

- Be able to swim 1 km without stopping for breath or rest.

- Laugh as much as I laughed in last 25 years. Which means everyday I would have to laugh five times more. (sounds cheesy I know!)

- Get into a settled career path (for next 20-25 yrs)

- Own a beautiful evening gown. Wear it at least once.

- Own at least 4 comfortable beautiful pieces of footwear to go with my entire wardrobe.

- Go to some place new with my parents for a family vacation.

- Go on at least 5 one week long treks. One in each year. Hopefully one in Alpine ranges.

Thats all. While writing I couldn’t help thinking of Bucket List (or Dasvidaniya for hindi people). I guess I can’t help living life at the rim. But listing out all these tasks did fill me with lot of enthusiasm which is lacking in life these days.

Anything I read anymore, related in anyway to education, I smirk, which is the most positive reaction I can manage. A simple and not so precise reason for that would be, irrespective of source from which it comes, anything I hear or read about education is crap. It truly is. Literally. Which means its indigestible remains of information we take inside. In educational domain, the art of teaching is only something which is not crap or fart. The art of teaching, isn’t even close to the art of speaking which management gurus practice. Its quite much superior to that. And you need to look at it from a point of view opposite to conventional parlance. That’s very important to do. Coz teaching doesn’t mean facilitating an individual to learn a skill alone. Its a balancing act where you have to evolve yourself and other individuals and be in the process of be evolved by those individuals. As soon as it is restricted by the curriculum, by the dreads of the survival of an individual, by the greed to know more – more than others, you fall below that separating line. That line which separates the world into two categories. There are some people in the world you keep it going. Reproduce the same stuff. And then there is a minuscule group which create new. Or should I say, process into something which didn’t exist earlier. Created out of the already existing ingredients though. Yet recycled. In a lifetime, you keep rotating between these two areas, but more often than not fall into reproduction one. Thats how the world keeps itself going.

Now, with all this in my head, it is very difficult to read a paper which talks about a non-formal education intervention that took place in a tribal area of Madhya Pradesh with an aim of increasing confidence and self-esteem of participants, and also of with hope to include children in formal education at appropriate standard. Why is it difficult? Because, in my understanding you can’t increase confidence of kids if you try to bring them into formal education. You would say – thats not true. You inculcate the feeling of competition and light the fire of desire to learn more – bang, you have got yourself not only a kid who would crack the formal education system, but also a one who is ambitious and wants to do more. True. I totally agree with that. What is the catch here? The process. How do you do it? For simplicity, if we say, our end product (one needs to define the characteristics of it) is the child with following qualities: 1) He is curious. 2) He knows how to feed his curiosity. 3) He is productive. Aha! Here is the problem. As soon as you use the word which falls out of scientific domain. “Productive.” Impossible to define it. When you are not in conventional mode. Ok, lets leave it for the moment. 1 n 2 are good enough. Any formal education would not want 2) to happen. Because if it does, the world will fall apart. Economies will collapse. Some tell me, there is a functional need for people to stay in the low-graded jobs and not feel bad about them, coz lets face it someone’s gotta do the shitty work. So say, if a data feeder (feeds data into computer) becomes curious about microsoft excel and tries it out and excels in it, he would want to be promoted. He would want to become an analyst. He would want to make sense of the symbols he was until now blindly using. But hey, there are many self-acclaimed “social workers” in this field.  They have the hope for impossible to make possible. To win the war against the world. They try to do the 2) while also getting the child crack formal education. This is the only way out, one needs degrees to eat! But, unfortunately, we again got into a loophole. The formal education doesn’t treat everyone equally. It can’t because it serves the economy and the existing structures/processes in the society.  So one child might be able to do both 2) and exams, another one might fail at both. As the expectations are higher. You want the child to do music which he loves, but also math which earns his bread. I would respect it if the intervention says we only wish for everyone to pass exams. But then, that doesn’t work either. Because, its is not a thought through program. After 12th class, if the kid goes back to fields to farm/gather food from forest he is worse off than his illiterate counterparts.

So the first problem with anything I read in education, is that we don’t have a goal, a vision, an aim. Nobody does. Not even the leaders. Everyone lies in the category of re-producing the existing types. For those who have read a bit more, would say, lets just focus on getting things done to start with. Like the teacher goes to school regularly. Kids don’t use any textbooks. They don’t do any formal exams. They just play with lots of toys, make toys, talk about things, etc etc. Have a time to develop, what we call, abstract thinking. Which routine day-to-day activities don’t give us opportunity to do. Kids have fun and teachers have fun. That is what school would do. Say this is an aim. We bunch of intellects sitting far far away from the lands we are talking about, first assume that this doesn’t already happen and then assume that this is something good to take place. Also, fun?! Really? Would world bank give us billions to have FUN?!! We are talking about results here. Concrete results. Which would prove that money is put to good use. How would fun in classrooms achieve that? Unfortunately, that is the only way to achieve (whatever they want to achieve) and the only way we are too insecure to try out. No one knows how to do. Thats the second one. For those who tried, failed. Because of the reason below. The third problem.

Some say, education is the ticket to better lifestyle. Monetary. Spiritually. Sensibly. Ok, then let that be the evaluation quotient. Better lifestyle. So if you have fun in school, what difference does it make? School would be over one day and you enter big bad world which is not fun. Ok, then lets focus on apprenticeship model. You show them whats lie ahead. Well, that is precisely what happens. With a huge drop out rate in our education system, children work or remain jobless – which is a window to future.

When people say we should invest more in education, we should have more research, we should have this n that… I could hardly smirk. I feel like shouting and telling them to shut the fuck up. Just stop talking. Stop living for all I care.

I have lost all hope. I need a reason to move my ass, to be able to talk to people.

Unlike Me

This song is performed by Kate Havenik

There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I’m here;
Don’t know for how long.

I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I’m strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn’t really exist.

The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.

You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I’m on a roller coaster

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I’m strange
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn’t really exist

What do you do when you realize that you are a product of chance? Or as some people say, evolution? Which, btw, rests a lot on the factor of chance. No, I don’t mean to go into the cliched topic of purpose of life! Its a well established fact that there is no purpose to life. The gurus of art of living earn billions by saying the same shit.

What do you do when you realize you are mad. Mad, as in, you don’t exist inside the periphery of sanity of the world. You do things, think of things which people neither understand nor can even imagine.

Basically, we are but just blobs of mass and energy. Fine. So wise people say, you look at flowers, you look at trees, you find peace. Others talk about spiritual stuff. To gain perspective. Some eat, drink and make merry. Other immerse themselves in work. Few immerse themselves in illusions – travel the world. All in all, everyone tries to preserve themselves. To keep breathing.

At the end of the day, you knew whether love or ego or peace or hope or illusion – they are just the tools we use to survive. Its up to oneself to put them aside and make way for another world. Or nothing at all.

The thin line between sanity and insanity.

The most interesting persons I have known in my life are those who have, at least once, tried to kill themselves.