The most beautiful and risky aspect about life is the surprises it has to offer. When you find yourself smiling at the time you thought you would have cried bitterly. Laughing at a joke which you always thought was poor in taste. Finding out something about yourself which totally contradicts what you thought about yourself. Finding out something about someone which totally contradicts what you thought about them. Waking up one day in Kafka’s outfit all alone and miserable. Its never ending. Never entirely good or bad.
I have always lived life by rules. Even if I ever liked surprises, those few occasional times, it was because I told myself, “it is good to like and appreciate change!” You know you give those quizzes, better than those on facebook, in which they analyze your personality based on questions such as whether you like surprises etc. And if you say you don’t like things out of control you are judgeed negatively on that. So I learnt to say I like change and get on with it well enough.
Whenever I had a heart break I completely drowned myself in work. When ever I was on the verge of accepting my feelings I counter argue that feelings are meaningless. You know, as we read and see in books and movies that people are afraid to fall in love because of the fear of falling out of it. I could totally relate to it. In fact what exactly is love I didn’t know. I could never really understand the link between happiness and love. Read a lot and experienced a lot. But it didn’t really help. After first few experiences the lesson I taught myself was to be always on guard. Never to let yourself into something completely. Never to wade into deeper waters. Always remain secure in the bounded arena. And in fact it is a good thing to do. Unlike what romantic movies teach us. It is definitely not a good idea to stop a taxing aircraft to declare your love for someone! I don’t think all impulsive moves are bad, but I don’t think they are always influential. Or define love.
I guess enough of cryptic sermon already. I should give some story to support it. From last 1 month the only thing in my mind has been that my fiance is going to move to a different city. For all practical purposes he is my husband. And it has been quite some time since we have known each other and been sharing lives. Only once we have been in different cities, when I was trying a stint in Udaipur. And I can’t even begin to explain what a terrible time it was for me. For a person who lives by rules, things become quite difficult when they are not controlled by them. Of course, I can’t control our living in different cities. However, I should be able to control the flurry state of my mind and heart. This was one thought which took over me completely. Now how do you control your mind? Many suggestions from different sources: drown yourself in work (most unimaginative one)! learn something new (makes sense – but how does that control my mind??). become spiritual!!!! (source – rich mahogany smelling book stores) All are good suggestions. None effective at all. Why the hell can’t I do all this if I move with him? How are these things related to our living on east and west coasts of a 3000 km wide country??!!
I did my best at applying an art I have learnt recently – procrastinate fearful thoughts! Who said procrastinating is all negative? It is one of the most important survival skill. I have learnt it a bit. So then that period got passed. And suddenly I found myself all alone. This concept of all alone is also quite flawed. It is a mirage. But this realization came as a sweet surprise which I would write about later. Anyways, the first few moments when I missed him were quite painful I can’t deny. But a very good thing happened very soon. I allowed myself to break the rules for just a while. I let myself bask in the pain. Let myself be as sorry as possible. Without any rule in my head telling me it is wrong to cry, it is wrong to miss someone so much, it is wrong to be not happy. However, that control button inside me was itching to be pressed. And just then I called an old old school friend. And guess what she told me. Its ok to keep the breaking rules phase going. That was a like a charm I kept repeating to myself which was going to help me get out of the dark tunnel. And out I am now!
The sweetest surprise is that when I thought I would be totally miserable on a holiday without him, I am actually quite enjoying myself. Its already been almost 2 weeks since I have seen him. And so honestly I do am missing him quite a lot. But that doesn’t mean I am not happy. And not as a result of lot of mental work like working my ass off (the most common suggestion), trying hard to focus on other things in life, and so on. But simply by doing things impulsively! In fact now that life has thrust this change upon me, shook me out of my comfort zone, I realize how I have stopped doing things impulsively. How I have started finding comfort in routine things. And missed out on all the fun which simply following your heart desires has to offer. I was so scared of going to a cinema hall alone for the fear of feeling too lonely! Isn’t that stupid! Today I woke up in morning. Had no plans to fight my loneliness. Felt like watching a movie. Didn’t give it another thought. Just went for it. Enjoyed a lot! And the rest of the day was just smoothed out.
The second surprise was that I realized the connection between love and happiness. Happiness is not just a state of mind. It is not something to work upon either. Happiness is what happens to you when you are in love. Not necessarily with just a person. It can be a non-directed feeling. Maybe in love with life. I realized I have never blogged on love. What a waste of all these years of writing. All this sounds quite cheesy if you read it in a different mood I know. But you know, quite a bit of it is also true. I am quite glad even after being as old as 26, which btw is v v old, I get sweetly surprised by regaining a lost side of my personality – being impulsive and yet not placing my bets on it!