Confessions of coming out…..

Cathedral Innsbruck Dom St. Jacob

“No I can’t do it anymore.” I cried out and ran away.

Ran into my room and locked it. I was crying and sobbing. He was standing on the other side of the door. I was angry and upset and devastated. I knew this day would come. But I couldn’t have expected his reaction to be so different from what I imagined.

He was crying too.

Usually a man of infinite calm and patience, he is not easily perturbed. Obviously, this was something that has shaken the ground beneath him.

You know I can’t do it. You know it.

I tried. I tried my best. Last night, I was doing everything I could to like it. But I couldn’t.

Please open the door. Let us talk about it calmly.

Ok, but you will not force me.

Yes darling. Please open the door.

He seemed to have calmed down. I opened the door.

Clean yourself up, I will make some tea. Let us talk about it.

Yes, let us.

See, some people are different. I tried being like everyone else. Being normal. I thought I enjoyed it too. We had some fun years too, remember? I loved it then. We used to stay up all night. The entire weekends were full of passion and ecstasy. The neon lights, the wine, the haze and our bodies moving rhythmically together to the hypnotizing music. It was amazing. It is all like a dream now.

I have changed. People change. I hate it now. The very thought of it fills me with despair, fear and disgust.

I am sorry; I just can’t do it anymore. Please try to understand.

He was all quiet. I know him to be very sensible person. Very mature and flexible sort of man. He accepts everything. Why is he being quiet now? Why is he not saying “Yes babe, I understand. It is your decision. I would never force you again.”

Please say something.

I am thinking if we can work it out.

I cried: There is nothing to work out. This is it.

Yes, but have we tried everything?

I have tried everything. I told you my preferences were changing about 2 years back. At that time, I felt it was unnatural of me to feel this way. I thought my needs were not real and so I was ready to try everything to stop those feelings. You remember, at that time we have tried so many things.

We went to different hotels, unique places, even different countries. We would try to mix up things, learn new skills, new moves, spending lot of money to perfect the experience, improving ourselves. You know we have tried.

I still hate it.

Silence. He knows we have tried. Every weekend we would plan something new to try. And yet, every Sunday night, I would be sick with myself and angry with him. Why is he forcing me? Why can’t I just be me?

Obviously, I understand you have your needs. I can’t stop you if you want to explore other options, if you want to continue without me.

But baby, I want us to be together. We have been together in everything. We even run a company together. We can do this too.

No we can’t. I am sorry. That is why I want you to go to Amsterdam. I want you to enjoy the pleasures which a man can get. I want you to live the life the way God intended it to be. I will keep myself away on your birthday too. I can’t see you suffer for my peculiarity!  I will stay away!

I have been desperate. I have been so lonely. I couldn’t talk about it with anyone else. I was afraid people would laugh at me. Being one of the most sought after experience in the world, people love that feeling of intoxication. They love what it does to their bodies. It is the most popular way of rejuvenating in an otherwise busy shitty corporate world. It is the world’s second most favorite sport. It was what attracts two complete strangers towards each other and finally unite them! And I hate it!

After wasting nights after nights in trying to be someone I am not, ending up in anger, weakness and pain, I decided to confess. So I told him.

Yes, I am no longer afraid to confess now. I am different. I do not like partying all night long. I do not like going to bed at 5 AM in the morning. I don’t like my body all dehydrated and lumpy. I don’t like not being able to meet my friends because I hate partying and there is no other way of meeting them! I don’t like to wait for 3 hours before people can get drunk and move over the dance floor (I love dancing!). I do not like being forced to drink and be frowned upon when I choose not to.

Dear hubby, Yes, I am different. If you can accept the concept of homosexuality, you owe it to yourself to accept this too. Please do not force me to drink endlessly again!

Disclaimer 1: This is a fictional piece of work. Please do not take it at its face value.

Disclaimer 2: No, I am not homosexual. Looks like a lot of people mis-interpreted this post. The idea of writing this post was to draw parallel between the “normal” sexual preferences and “normal” weekend activity. In the first case, coming out of closet is considered pretty sensational. In second case, those who do not drink or party are considered as pretty weird too. Something is definitely wrong or abnormal with both these kinds of people. Apologies for first shocking some of you and later maybe disappointing others who got hopeful! :P

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5 thoughts on “Confessions of coming out…..

      1. Yes! In the context of binging, clubbing, partying, drinking, everything that is written did happen (With less intensity though!) People somehow assumed that I was talking about sexual orientation! I tell you… one track mind!

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