2016 – A thing to remember 


First times are always remembered. Good or bad, the first kiss. First dip in water. First time you scored an A (or a F :P). It is hard to forget those experiences. The older we get, the harder it becomes to experience firsts. 2016 was a year when I was blessed enough to experience a new first. 

It was related to a meditation technique (vipassana) I practice in daily life. To strengthen this technique you are required to go into 11 day camps where 10 days of silence and strict meditation routine is followed. In January, I sat in a course and in September, on my birthday, I went as a server. The camps are only occupied by servers and students. Students are meditators who come to learn and practice. Servers are old students who come to serve, i.e. provide students with the necessary environment and all facilities required for them to do well in the course.

As a student you are not allowed to communicate with anyone other than your teacher, mostly initiated by her. Your last meal is at 11 am in the morning. If you have established well in the practice, after 5-6 days, you don’t sleep normally. Either you sleep very deeply for a couple of hours or you are in a continuous meditative state of mind. Whatever you might be doing – eating, bathing, walking, watching, sleeping, you are in the same state of mind as you are with your legs folded, sitting still and meditating. Time passes extremely slowly. You can observe threads of thoughts coming in your mind and disappearing, very similar to observing vapours getting dissolved in air over a hot cup of tea in the morning cold. It is beautiful. It is very obvious, at that time, how insane our minds are.

Talking about vipassana is very similar to describing your first sexual experience. You know those who have done it would be able to understand you immediately, without you having to explain much. And those who haven’t done it, won’t be able to understand you properly no matter how much you explain. And yet there are poets all over the world attempting to describe their passion and love and share that experience with one and all, because that’s what we humans do. We communicate.

After those 10 days of intense experiences, on the 10th or 11th day, when you open your mouth to speak and communicate with servers and students, it seems quite unnatural. However, on these days, your body and mind remove it focus from itself and start observing and paying attention to the outside world. All the sensory organs can start working full swing now. It is then you realize your part in the world. The highly crucial role you play in the world.

I was a third born. Honestly, an accidental child. Hence for me the question, why am I here on the face of this planet, was a very obvious one. The more I read, the more I found out that no one knows an answer to this one. Everyone is here pretty much like me. Accidently. Well, that didn’t help much. If we all are here accidently, might as well stop being here, stop all the killing, stress, hate or even love, which is mostly longing and desiring. Why run all through the life to die. The only theory which made a little bit of sense was to have fun, do whatever makes you happy. You will anyway die sooner than later! Hedonism seemed better than most of the other farce of theories.

I challenge all those who practice hedonism properly, with all their heart, to come out and say, it gives them the highest form of happiness. I can very much say, been there and done that. It can give you a lot of satisfaction and a purpose to life, however, there is much more to life than that, I believe now. This realization happened in the year 2016.

When you serve for others, it is not much different from working. You have your role and responsibilities defined and you just need to act on it. The key differentiating factor is “if at any time you are not at peace with yourself, if you are agitated or disturbed, you are required to stop the service at that very moment and find your peace within before continuing”. Now this small piece of difference is a huge one.

Imagine you didn’t do a very important task which was assigned to you. And your boss finds out. You make excuses. Boss gets angry and blows you off. He had every ‘right’ to be angry with you! Now in his state of anger, he attends a meeting where he rejects a proposal of a new project which isn’t very crucial to the company. The enthusiastic employee who worked for a week on this project gets pissed off. He might end up leaving the company, a huge loss to the team. All because you didn’t do the job and the boss got angry. You would obviously say it’s coz the boss is incompetent and gets angry. The boss will say it’s coz of lazy people like you that company culture gets rotten. The fact is Anger is very expensive. There is never a negative emotion which can be justified, no matter whatever a reason, a so called cause. 

The practice of being able to observe your emotional state and act accordingly is what you learn as a server. You also learn that if you don’t let your emotional state affect your actions, you can actually bring peace, productivity and sense of fulfilment to the world. If you can be peaceful and avoid all negativity, at least a very small world around you will follow the path. What that means is, every individual is immensely powerful. We have the power to bring or to take away not just the happiness of ourselves but also of other human beings.

Happy people spread happiness. Unhappy people spread unhappiness. Angry people spread anger, sorrow and disappointment. This becomes very obvious after vipassana. And so does your role in the world.

Like the title mentioned, this is the first time in life when I found the meaning of life to be so simple. There is a lot more to be seen, to be understood. Many more years to live. Amen.

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To believe

What do you wanna do today?

So many things. Go to ECP and take my first lesson in sailing. Sleep under a tree afterwards.

Clean the house. Arrange the cabinets. Fold bulk of clothes lying around. Dust off my room.

Nothing as such. You tell. O ya, I need to cook some veggies for the week. But I will be done by 12:30.

O ok. Wanna go out somewhere?

I just told him I have to cook. Why is he pushing me?

As in?

As in, for a run. Or a hike.

Ya can go.

I haven’t stretched nor done myofasical release from the last one week. I need to do that too. It’s a must. When will I do that? I haven’t written anything in this month. Haven’t painted in the last many months. Haven’t finished reading any of the 2-3 books that I had started.


The other day I touched the feet of my mother-in-law asking for blessing. She blessed me with her heart “may all your wishes come true!” O my! Is that even possible?

There is no end to wishes. Before one comes true, there is a new one which is already being pursued.

Before one course goes live, another one is in pipeline.

Before one lecture’s notes are ready, another one is to be worked upon.

Before one art is mastered, I am dreaming of another one.

Before one sport is played to win, I wanna try a new one too.

Before one injury is healed off, another one is received.

New pictures to take, new blogs to write, new books to read, new movies to watch, new clothes to buy, new paths to hike on, new roads to drive on, new countries to visit, new skills to learn, the list keeps going on endlessly.

Then there are things which I must do, which are not on the list. Cook, clean, work, entertain guests, manage social circle, be there when and where required. Be responsible. Be a good wife, good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good citizen (keep reading news every min on twitter!).

And yet every morning, I find it difficult to get up. I lay awake waiting to move out of bed. I am unable to sit through an hour of meditation. I feel like 24 hours is too less and I am too ineffective to do everything that I want to. Forget about wishes coming true, I am not even able to try everything that I want to. I feel so exhausted, overwhelmed.

My boss in my old company, who is my only ideal in life so far, used to say, you should take up more tasks than you can manage/complete, you should dream to become great. His funda was simple. The more tasks you have in hand, the more targets you achieve. You will learn to become efficient. Tasks are inter-related in a way that we do not understand. Doing one task will, in some way or other, help you complete other task as well.

I do agree with him. It is not very difficult to try so many things at the same time. To be on your toes at every moment. The testing time is when you actually encounter a failure. To get up and start again is not very difficult. To believe in success, is.

To believe is to be non-calculative, unrealistic, crazy, unscientific, irrational.

It is the need of the hour.

From unable to run for even 5 mins, in less than 2 years, I can run non-stop for min 30 mins at any day/any time.
From unable to run for even 5 mins, in less than 2 years, I can run non-stop for min 30 mins at any day/any time.

Everything is temporary

Meditation Hall in Singapore Vipassana Camp, St. John's Island
Meditation Hall in Singapore Vipassana Camp, St. John’s Island

I have wanted to write about this incredible new journey in my life that I started about 2 years back, but every time I start, words fail me. Please bear with me if I divert or ramble a lot.

The experience that I want to capture in words is very difficult to explain to those who haven’t had similar experiences. Like seeing an ocean for the first time. How do you explain your experience to someone who has never an ocean before. To simplify extremely, I would just say, meditation is like a work out for mind. You have a target to achieve, like 50 crunches in a gym, and you need to reach that after trying continuously. The target keeps getting tougher and tougher as you get better at the exercises. The ultimate goal is to make the mind so strong that you are always in a meditative state irrespective of any other activity that you might be involved in.

The meditation technique that I am trying to learn is Vipassana as taught by SD Goenka. Why I started on this path was simply because I needed a very strong and powerful change in my attitude. It was just like someone joining a diet program if they are desperate to lose weight. There were a few things about myself that I was quite fed up of and wanted to get rid of them. For instance, losing my cool in the time of testing, being angry when someone does me wrong, being very emotional about things. There were times when I found myself extremely sad and at the same thing wondering why the hell am I so sad. I am one of those very few individuals in the world who have best of everything: health, education, rights, money, everything which people seek I have it already, and yet I can be so unhappy at times. If I am not happy now under current circumstances, then it is highly unlikely that I ever would be! And hence, I was looking for a complete overhaul.

It is very simply achieved by the art of ‘observing’. So there are four types of minds which are always on work: memory, conscious, reaction, feeling. A very crucial type of mind which is never worked/exercised and hence becomes very weak is ‘observing’ kind. In order to strengthen this mind, you need to exercise it to work. You learn to observe your own body. You are not allowed to imagine anything, or get inputs from any sensory organs such as those of sight, noise, touch, taste, smell. You are only required to observe each and every cell of your body using your mind. With some concentration and practice, it is quite easy to achieve a state when you can feel and observe all the nerve cells or blood vessels running under your skin. The higher goal is to be able to feel each and every molecule in your body.

We all understand that everything is temporary. It is because we see everything as changing. There are flowers which live for a day or less. An earthquake changes the whole landscape within a few seconds. The path of a river keeps changing every year. These changes are either very slow in time or very big in size to ignore. The changes which happen at a very small scale and at a very fast pace are not noticed by us. Like in high frequency trading, machines trade a thousand times within a second to earn a profit of say 1 dollar. The speed of each transaction is too fast for a human to comprehend. We can only see the cumulative results at the end of a time interval: a second or a minute. The universe is also changing at a speed which can’t be monitored by our conscious mind. However, the unconscious mind which does very fast processing can be trained to comprehend and witness that fast change. And that is where meditation comes in to the picture.

Although it is easy to believe in the fact that nothing is permanent, everything is always changing. But believing in something is not enough to bring about behavioral changes. For instance, there are many people who believe in equal rights say between homosexuals and heterosexuals. However, they would still cringe with disgust when they see two homosexuals display affection/love/intimacy in public view. Whereas, they might find a man and woman kissing passionately very natural and even liberating! Similarly, at the time when you are extremely sad or happy, it is very difficult to calm down with just a belief that tomorrow might not be the same. It is very much possible that tomorrow everything in your life takes an upside down turn and hence today’s emotions/feelings would no longer matter anymore. This is easy to understand but difficult to implement.

To actually bring about a behavioral change, the mind needs to be trained. And this is exactly what meditation does.

But it is a very long and very slow journey. I feel blessed to have started on this long path though.

One crush and two thugs

“Why the hell did I choose this train?!”

It was 12:45 past midnight; I was standing alone on Kanpur Railway Station being harassed by the two vulturous men who like the high skies’ predatory creatures slowly circled around their prey, devoured my helplessness and looked ready to attack me any time.

I ran through the scene of being attacked. I imagined my defending moves of using my elbow to puncture their stomachs, using my knee to injure their crouches. I cursed myself for never taking a self defence class in my life. I cursed the entire education system which doesn’t not prepare you for real problems in life. I cursed myself for choosing this train which has a reputation of being late. It comes to UP via Bihar; what else could one expect from a train coming from Bihar. I cursed Bihar; why does that state exist. I cursed the Indian railways; why can’t they ever run on time. I cursed myself again, why the hell did I bring this suitcase. Why couldn’t I carry the bag pack like usual. A suitcase is such a liability while travelling. I cursed Kanpur; this shithole where no girl can ever be safe. I cursed all the rich mill owners who left the city as it is today: an endless dump of jobless angry youth who have no aspects, no career to look forward to. All problems can ultimately be traced back to the thankless rich, who plunder and destroy cities and lives.

When these two men started circling me, throwing glances at me, started singing cheap bollywood songs to me, I didn’t bother about it. In Kanpur, this is very common. I was alarmed when they followed me to the other platform when the train scheduled got changed. Now I lost all the confidence and cool and started imagining the worst. I started walking around the platform with the miserable suitcase in my hand. There was no sign of the train, I was tired and sleepy but couldn’t afford to lose my vigilance towards these men.  I couldn’t go and sit in the waiting room which was at platform 1. So, I positioned myself near a bookseller cart and tried to calm myself.

I thought about the few hours earlier during the day which seems like a distant dream now.

I had taken the last bus at 10 pm from campus to the city to reach the station. After dark, there is no other reliable mode of transportation for girls in Kanpur. When I boarded the bus from its last stop near ShopC on the main road, I found the bus to be crowded.  Many Kanpuriyas (nick name for local residents) were going home for mid-terms break. I had to move to the back of the bus to find a seat. While proceeding to back, I noticed him sitting in the bus. This guy, referred to as AG by me and my gfs, was my first crush in IIT. In fact he qualified to be my first crush ever. My heart would start jumping at the sight of him, my mouth went dry, I didn’t know what to do with the expression on my face, I didn’t know what was the expression on my face, in confusion I would look here and there while stealing glances at him, it was the exact filmy “dobby dobby” experience. Not that this guy was a hunk Brad Pitt or sweetheart Tom Cruise or spoke like George Clooney. It was just that in the crowd of IITian boys consisting of stinking, unsophisticated, impolite, horny idiots, this guy was an outlier:  very polite, decent, well-read, having-a-mind-of-his-own kind of person, who can possibly see more than tits and butts in a girl. I found these qualities in him irresistibly attractive.

Just riding the bus with him and being able to watch him through the gaps between two seats in the bus was enough for all the trouble I could expect in the rest of the journey.  People started getting down and soon we were near the station. AG was still in the bus and I had also moved my seat closer to the driver ahead of him. So as he was standing in the line waiting for his stop, we started talking. When he found that I was going to station so late at night all alone, he offered me to go with him to his home and wait there for a few hours. I was overwhelmed by the generosity of his offer and his thoughtfulness. Obviously, I said no, since it would mean an imposition to him and his family. But he insisted and sounded quite genuine. Plus a sound inside me was shouting “I would get to spend time with him and see his house too!!” So I said yes. And we both got down at his stop. My heart was on a wild trip.

Apart from eating a very nice sweet delicacy which his mom had offered me, there is not much I can remember about that rendezvous. I just know that I was in the seventh heaven, I forgot all about the approaching train journey. So when our cycle rickshaw ride from his home to station ended and he dropped me off, I was in still up the clouds. The reality of Kanpur station hit me when those two goons started torturing me.

And they were still here. Thankfully, the train was now arriving in next 10 minutes. I could finally get rid of these a**holes. Suddenly a thought left me paralyzed. What if they board the train with me?! Then anything is possible. At night, they can do anything with me. I boarded the train in a boggie which wasn’t mine to fool them and passed through many compartments inside the train to reach my seat. It was a middle berth and I put my suitcase on the berth so that it remains safe with me. I was certain by now, that even if they do not do anything with me, they are sure to steal my suitcase. Within next few minutes, while the train was still at the platform, I saw one of them pass through my seat. He must have seen me.

That night was one of the longest nights spent in complete fear and helplessness. I was sleepy but had to stay awake to keep guard in case I am attacked. That night I promised myself three things: I will only travel in most reliable trains, I would try to travel in company and I would never carry a suitcase. After a sleepless uneventful night, I realized those guys never boarded the train. They just wanted to scare me and have fun at my expense. They might have wanted to do more, but even with what they did they managed to make me miserable. I learnt that being scared is like inviting the adversary to torture you. First step in saving yourself is to be brave and show it well on your face.

If you are wondering what happened to AG and me, it had the same ending as most IITian one-sided love stories. But I had no worries. I knew my love story can begin only after the college ends.

You fill my heart

You are young and easily believe in your dreams. In beautiful and lovely things. You like to see the world as a simple and easy place to live in. You don’t understand why your mom dad fights. You don’t understand why your elder brother, who is so incredibly smart, can be distressed. You don’t have too many choices, too much freedom, too many decisions to take. You don’t seek too many choices either. You believe in soul mates. You are over-whelmed to read love story novels. At that age, Manju Kapoor’s Difficult Daughters seems to talk about a make-believe world. A world of fiction. You trust Eric Segal’s Class and Love Story to represent reality. A reality which could happen to you. A reality which you dream about.

After 15 years, on a regular day, you drive to office amidst erratic traffic, mentally cross-checking the tasks lying ahead for you, when a song from Love Story is played on the radio.

‘She fills my heart, with very special things

With angel songs, with wild imaginings

She fills my soul with so much love

That anywhere I go, I am never lonely…”

And in a moment of pure bliss, you smile and think to yourself, ‘I am living that dream’.

The new year

Have you ever felt that the party is getting over as the year comes closer to an end? Don’t wanna sound negative, but the truth is that I had the most smacking year of my adult life so far in 2011! It was the year, when I finally started to hear the music, to quote August Rush.

In this year, I did so many of those things that I like to do, but had almost forgotten after my teens ended. Like listening to the gut feeling. Acting on an impulse. Not compromising. Being a rebel! Trying out new things. Just want to archive the few most memorable moments of this year.

– I changed my career plans thrice. I tried every path, talked to a billion of people. Known and strangers. I finally settled in a completely new domain – decision taken by a gut feeling. (Hope my employers don’t read this! :P)

– I reached the one destination in India I had dreamt of going from last 7-8 years. Bedni Bugyal, the biggest meadow in Asia. Or is it Dayara?

– I learnt to dance Bharatnatyam in a proper school, a dream since childhood.

– I made a whole bunch of friends for lifetime. When you want something, the whole universe conspires you to get it.

– I learnt to make pasta that I can appreciate. Again, a dream come true. Need a new challenge for cooking now!

– Got a couple of decent footwear. Currently – I do not have floaters!!! :-O I grew up (within an year)!

– Grew up example 2: I floss regularly!

– Grew up example 3: I take proper skin care everyday using natural home-made products! :-O

– Ok, we need to remind myself that I was talking about rebel stuff – not grew up stuff. So yes, I got out of a relationship and found a new awesome one! This was by far the most liberating act in adulthood!

– I hated and hated and hated a city and still I came back to live here. Only a rebel can do that!

– Getting married may sound quite contradictory to being impulsive. But the truth is that, this decision was taken within a span of 30 mins. The very fact that it happened impulsively could drive it to its realization!

– Decided about buying my first car totally on impulse. There are a billions of discussions when it comes to car buying. We had a deadline and I again listened to my gut feeling. We went for it. And I loved the product! Neither of us had even taken its test drive. The first time I drove it was the first time I was driving it home from the dealer’s showroom!

I just love the fact that I can still rely on my instinct. I do not have to calculate every single – small or big – decision in my life based on pros and cons!

My new year resolution is to keep listening to the music in 2012!

Happy New Year to all of you! Thanks for coming here time and again!

 

At the end of the day

I only get time to write at night

…by which time i am quite stressed out
tired…
and with not a single positive thought in my mind….
While I m in morning bus beautiful posts run through my mind..full of hope and faith..
and when I am back in the evening and stare yet again the starkly lit screen in a dimly lit room, surrounded by the sad tune of Billy Joel’s Piano Man, with TV on mute in background and the noise of fan motor to keep my company… I really feel the world is coming to an end…
then my mind says, what if it even is…
true! exclaims a voice from inside.
Can’t really get more sad than this.. can it?
Oh yeah! Try falling sick! The voice again.
Can’t really care about that at this time.
………………
I know this post is not turning out as it was intended to 13 hrs back. Let me give it another try.
So I m going with 2 other colleagues to CMU in june for conferences. We are also presenting a poster there. Good news eh?
Listen next.
One of other two is a young man. Super intelligent guy. Did a bachelor in Chemistry. Thats all. And is the IT head for running an intelligent tutoring system. One of those guys who love coding. And is Muslim.
His visa application got rejected.
So what is the lesson I learnt today.
Hey girl! Wake up! Smell the burn of discrimination. Smell the pain of inequality. Smell the world you have shut out conveniently. Its that damn voice again.
You know, its only the lunch time, usually between 1:30 – 2 pm every 5 days in a week when I hear/talk about things. Interact with outside world.
To talk about things like Rakhi Sawant’s swayamvar.
Big Boss (who can possible watch that crap anyways!!!! – V again)
Raj Thackeray (if u r living in mumbai and not talking about this – means you are working in a hotshot MNC with no locals around)
Plants (urban farming or should i say balcony farming?)
Evils of social customs in wedding ceremonies (3 unmarried, 1 married successful women)
The ways of younger generation (kids of 1 married woman)
More gossips from home….
Rahul Mahajan (have I got that right?)
Modi scandel
Sania Mirza Malik… etc etc…
How Muslims are different from Hindus, how none of the three ladies would like to get associated with them through marital ties (either their own or their children) and how the cultural differences legitimize such a thought! (for the record, I am not one of those 3 ladies. My first serious love at sight was a Muslim guy. Only he was accompanied by 4 women, and so I didn’t have guts to approach him… but I often visited that site later hoping to see him again… in vain!)
“I see tress are green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

I see skies are blue and clouds are bright
Bright blessed days
dark scared nights
And I think to myself – what a wonderful world”
Its that voice again. With a cynical smile. :(
Probably I m being too harsh. You don’t need to marry everyone to show you consider that person as your equal.
But presuming that a person from particular community or background or upbringing or history is not likely to make a good match for you or people you care for; is this not a blind spot one nurtures?
Isn’t such a blind spot one of main reasons why such discrimination exists and grows?
I m very sad at the end of the day.
Waiting for the sun to rise again.

Unanswered questions

Disclaimer: The following text is fictional rumblings and mumblings of mind and wanderings of heart. Any resemblance to real feeling is mere coincidence.

:P

How often do married couples “feel” like changing their life partners?

How often do they almost break the commitment?

How often do they really break it?

How often do they bounce back into relationship?

There are so many unanswered questions. There was a time in late teens when all I wanted in life were answers to billions of questions I had about future – what am I, what am I gonna be, how am I gonna look when I am 21-22, how will my prince charming be, where all I would travel to, who all I would make friends with.. and so on. Almost all of these questions are answered! Frightening, huh? Nonetheless, there are plenty more to come :).

Isn’t it amazing how our values change as we grow up. I remember the story of nachiketa in my hindi textbook (hated hindi for all the moral knowledge it was trying to feed us!). Won’t bore you with another of twisted mythological tales, but the relevant part is about extreme will power which Nachiketa exhibited. I was completely zapped with the idea of taking control of your “indriyaan” – senses. I was like – this is the way to success/brilliance/fight death itself! You know how young minds are easily manipulated! So this was a value which I had completely internalized – should control your desires and senses. Next in line was Krishna’s sermon in Gita – don’t worry about end result. All the JEE preparation thoroughly washed away Gita’s gyaan. Never bothered about it again.

However, it was a more gradual process to leave behind the control-desires value. Oscar Wilde definitely had some role to play. My friends had the next biggest role. IIT of course. And of course the person I am. However, I am quite glad I did away with it. The latest value is – do what you do with your whole heart, no short cuts allowed, no escapes. This is quite in contrast with desires one. The new idea is to develop the desire to excel. But you know, there is certain social order which fails to last as soon as you start following your desires. And hence the questions above.

I hope never do these questions cease to last. I would make sure life always remains uncertain. :)

Surprises…

The most beautiful and risky aspect about life is the surprises it has to offer. When you find yourself smiling at the time you thought you would have cried bitterly. Laughing at a joke which you always thought was poor in taste. Finding out something about yourself which totally contradicts what you thought about yourself. Finding out something about someone which totally contradicts what you thought about them. Waking up one day in Kafka’s outfit all alone and miserable. Its never ending. Never entirely good or bad.

I have always lived life by rules. Even if I ever liked surprises, those few occasional times, it was because I told myself, “it is good to like and appreciate change!” You know you give those quizzes, better than those on facebook, in which they analyze your personality based on questions such as whether you like surprises etc. And if you say you don’t like things out of control you are judgeed negatively on that. So I learnt to say I like change and get on with it well enough.

Whenever I had a heart break I completely drowned myself in work. When ever I was on the verge of accepting my feelings I counter argue that feelings are meaningless. You know, as we read and see in books and movies that people are afraid to fall in love because of the fear of falling out of it. I could totally relate to it. In fact what exactly is love I didn’t know. I could never really understand the link between happiness and love. Read a lot and experienced a lot. But it didn’t really help. After first few experiences the lesson I taught myself was to be always on guard. Never to let yourself into something completely. Never to wade into deeper waters. Always remain secure in the bounded arena. And in fact it is a good thing to do. Unlike what romantic movies teach us. It is definitely not a good idea to stop a taxing aircraft to declare your love for someone! I don’t think all impulsive moves are bad, but I don’t think they are always influential. Or define love.

I guess enough of cryptic sermon already. I should give some story to support it. From last 1 month the only thing in my mind has been that my fiance is going to move to a different city. For all practical purposes he is my husband. And it has been quite some time since we have known each other and been sharing lives. Only once we have been in different cities, when I was trying a stint in Udaipur. And I can’t even begin to explain what a terrible time it was for me. For a person who lives by rules, things become quite difficult when they are not controlled by them. Of course, I can’t control our living in different cities. However, I should be able to control the flurry state of my mind and heart. This was one thought which took over me completely. Now how do you control your mind? Many suggestions from different sources: drown yourself in work (most unimaginative one)! learn something new (makes sense – but how does that control my mind??). become spiritual!!!! (source – rich mahogany smelling book stores) All are good suggestions. None effective at all. Why the hell can’t I do all this if I move with him? How are these things related to our living on east and west coasts of a 3000 km wide country??!!

I did my best at applying an art I have learnt recently – procrastinate fearful thoughts! Who said procrastinating is all negative? It is one of the most important survival skill. I have learnt it a bit. So then that period got passed. And suddenly I found myself all alone. This concept of all alone is also quite flawed. It is a mirage. But this realization came as a sweet surprise which I would write about later. Anyways, the first few moments when I missed him were quite painful I can’t deny. But a very good thing happened very soon. I allowed myself to break the rules for just a while. I let myself bask in the pain. Let myself be as sorry as possible. Without any rule in my head telling me it is wrong to cry, it is wrong to miss someone so much, it is wrong to be not happy. However, that control button inside me was itching to be pressed. And just then I called an old old school friend. And guess what she told me. Its ok to keep the breaking rules phase going. That was a like a charm I kept repeating to myself which was going to help me get out of the dark tunnel. And out I am now!

The sweetest surprise is that when I thought I would be totally miserable on a holiday without him, I am actually quite enjoying myself. Its already been almost 2 weeks since I have seen him. And so honestly I do am missing him quite a lot. But that doesn’t mean I am not happy. And not as a result of lot of mental work like working my ass off (the most common suggestion), trying hard to focus on other things in life, and so on. But simply by doing things impulsively! In fact now that life has thrust this change upon me, shook me out of my comfort zone, I realize how I have stopped doing things impulsively. How I have started finding comfort in routine things. And missed out on all the fun which simply following your heart desires has to offer. I was so scared of going to a cinema hall alone for the fear of feeling too lonely! Isn’t that stupid! Today I woke up in morning. Had no plans to fight my loneliness. Felt like watching a movie. Didn’t give it another thought. Just went for it. Enjoyed a lot! And the rest of the day was just smoothed out.

The second surprise was that I realized the connection between love and happiness. Happiness is not just a state of mind. It is not something to work upon either. Happiness is what happens to you when you are in love. Not necessarily with just a person. It can be a non-directed feeling. Maybe in love with life. I realized I have never blogged on love. What a waste of all these years of writing. All this sounds quite cheesy if you read it in a different mood I know. But you know, quite a bit of it is also true. I am quite glad even after being as old as 26, which btw is v v old, I get sweetly surprised by regaining a lost side of my personality – being impulsive and yet not placing my bets on it!