Am I responsible for how my kid turns out?

The answer is NO

This answer is a revelation to me. And I feel a new sense of freedom and joy. I have spent many sessions with my husband discussing this topic. His answer was always No. My answer was always Yes, until now. Isn’t “yes” the obvious answer? If I hit my child everyday, wouldn’t the abuse be responsible for making him/her what s/he does? Most likely a psychopath or a broken individual. Isn’t parents behaviour same as consuming alcohol during pregnancy? You can disrupt major wiring in the brain leading to abnormalities.

Hence, in my discussions with husband, I would just agree to disagree, while in my mind believing that all that I do, say, act has a direct profound impact on my child.

I am Not disagreeing with the point about impact. It is undeniable. However, it is wrong to say that my actions are solely responsible for how my kid turns out. While we can say an abusive environment had a significant influence on an individual leading him towards psychological disorders, we can’t say it is solely responsible for that state.

After a certain point, an individual is on his own.

After that it is a matter of personal choice to be whatever a person wants to be. A psychopath or not. A kind loving person or not. A happy person or not. An angry person or not. It’s a choice we make.

Then what role does a parent play?

I think it’s like baking. For beginners. Every time you put batter/dough in oven, you have tried your best and hope for the best. Baking amateurs know everytime the result is different. You spend many batches mastering the perfect combination of ingredients, mixing techniques, rising, baking, cooking and so on.

In case of parenting, by the time you master it, the kid is grown and gone. Or maybe even by then you haven’t really mastered it. And now you are out of flour to experiment any more. That is parenting. You need to give your best at every attempt (~every phase of child growth) and hope for the best.

But the outcome is not really in your hands. At the best it will give you some clue what to do better for the next batch (next phase / day).

Why this revelation today is so important to me?

It helps me accept myself like I would accept my kid. Accept my flaws. My shortcomings. My failings. I am who I am with everything in me, all good and bad. And while my good spreads good, my bad will spread bad. There is no stopping that. And I can accept it. Which is very relieving.