Can guilt ever be good?

Yesterday I was chatting with a new mom (her son is turning 1), generally exchanging notes. While she was just sharing new updates, I ended up telling her what my pediac used to tell me: you are doing a fantastic job and as a mom your instincts are most reliable, trust your decisions. Then she confided in me how guilty she always is, about everything.

It was like looking in rear view mirror. How guilt was always engulfing me for everything I did as a mom, in the initial 3 years. Everything I did was imperfect. And hence, I always found a way to critique myself. It was like a habit. I did something. It wasn’t perfect. Immediately came the guilt.

It took me a lot of meditation to come out of the guilt, which was otherwise very natural to me. Actually I remember the exact moment when I realised how guilt is a trap which is making me miserable and I am leaving no chance of spreading that misery around my family. Creating a vicious circle.

Once I got that wisdom, every time I would be in guilt, I could observe it and let it pass away. The first lesson is to firmly believe and establish that guilt is bad, it has absolutely no benefit in our lives. That wisdom is necessary pre-requisite to get rid of it.

I have spent hours with people who have tried to convince me that guilt is not bad, instead necessary to become a better person. Heck, even famous psychologists, say so. I used to really enjoy Brene Brown’s philosophy and agree with her. Shame is bad, guilt is good. Now that I meditate and observe my unconscious, I know there isn’t much difference between the two. Guilt gives birth to shame. Anything that goes in loop of blaming, which isn’t action oriented, which keeps us self-indulged is harmful. Guilt does exactly that. It is one of the biggest lies society has made us believe in.

Why as a society we believe in the goodness in guilt? Why is it so easy to blame – ourselves or others? Why not instead, appreciate the goodness, even it is only 5%? Why see the bad 95%? Science has shown that if you want to improve someone’s behaviour (someone means others or yourself); 1/5 is the ratio to be maintained. 1 negative criticism and 5 positive reinforcement. You have to observe 5 good things, appreciate them and include 1 bad quality to work upon. There is already a lot of work done on this. Checkout the course on “Giving Helpful Feedback” on Coursera if you need more information on this.

Given there is already enough evidence that as humans we need five positive traits to process one negative trait; why are we still unable to see those 5 positives and unable to not see that 1 negative in others and ourselves?

I don’t know.

Try it yourself. Whenever you have to give any critical feedback to anyone (or yourself), asking them to get rid of a negative quality, see if you can first come up with list of 5 things you want them to retain or multiply. Isn’t multiplying what is good in us as or more important than removing what is bad? Why not focus on that?

No, guilt can never be good.

20 days in camp and outside of it

Today is day 32. The most difficult so far.

I went for 20 days course on July 4. Day 1 was July 5. Day 20 was July 24. I returned on July 25. I am maintaining a counter of days since I came back with first day as July 26. I wanted to draw parallels between days in the camp and outside of it.

Some might think it as a stupid exercise. The camp is a different world, free of all distractions, all responsibilities, many myths and lies. Imagine a billiards table with a single ball drifting and hitting walls of the table. That’s you in the camp. You get hit much less.

Outside of it, in the normal world, there is constant disturbance. It’s like a billiards table with all the balls. Very easy to get hit.

Why I compare the two worlds is because the object of observation is the same. All physics laws are the same, with a single or multiple balls on the table. It much easier to come up with data and equations with one ball; much harder with so many together.

This physics analogy is not appropriate but it would do for now.

Actually the difference in the two worlds is not real. It is also a lie, a myth. Yes obviously there is much less input going inside through sense doors. Ears, eyes, touch, taste and smell work much less. But mind is working, the whole goddamn time. There and here.

Only here, more time is spent in suffering and less in awareness. And there, I hope, more in awareness. It’s like you are swimming in a river. Times above the surface (when you breathe) are times of awareness, fewer in the world and more in camp. Today probably, fewest in a period of almost 2 months. ;-)

It’s incredible luck that I can practice awareness and equanimity in normal life. And maintain a counter outside of the camp. :-) crazy stuff.

I think therefore I am

Not

Thoughts are so deceptive

They are like water vapours over a cup of steaming water

How can Descartes be so wrong?

The founder of modern philosophy

I have come to a point in life where so many times intellect fail me, miserably. In fact it fails me so bad, that I can trust it lesser and lesser.

Intellect is like painting without eyes. I can still paint but I have no idea what I am painting.

Nothing can be farther than the truth.

How can one search for truth by thinking? There is no absolute truth. Everything is relative. Even measurable things like gravity.

I find solace in truth. I seek comfort in knowing that there some truths. I never liked the concept of man made beliefs like gold being a precious metal, religion, money, nation states, gender laws and so on. Most of these concepts divide. Actually all of them divide. Discriminate.

Then there are some things, which don’t. Like gravity. All force fields. All math equations. All chemical reactions. They are so beautiful because they are universal.

Thanks to my beautiful mind, I am losing my trust even in those.

What is gravity? It is a concept created to explain the world around us. Tools are created to measure this “construct”.

Why is the role of quantum mechanics? Pretty much the same job as gravity. Explains things which gravity doesn’t.

What is God? Very similar. A construct. To explain everything else that can’t be explained by gravity and quantum mechanics, etc. Unfortunately it is not measurable; we couldn’t create tools for it.

Now, I am not a scientist. I don’t work in labs and have never measured gravity. Two masses attract each other by a force called gravity or god, makes no difference to me. Both concepts are constructs. Something someone told me that I can’t verify or prove. Both rely on me to “believe” in the construct. The gravity bit is more attractive because scientific community has saved lives and religion has taken them away. But that is a political point of view. Far from the truth.

Thinking is an unreliable way to seek the truth. It can snarl us in a way worse than religion does. It can help us reason too. But fool us more than help us.

Belief makes lies the truth. It can also motivate us to find tools to measure the truth. But that is all. Other than motivating us to find the truth, it can be of no use.

But the key question is how can we find the truth?

Bucket list

This year (and in the coming few) I want to do a bit more.

• Play a few more songs on Ukulele
• Play and sing Ek Onkar on piano
• Paint a A3 size peonies bouquet in freehand watercolour
• Duet dance on Verve’s bittersweet symphony: me Bharatnatyam and Naina ballet
• Snow sledging
• Write thoughts on Paul Davis’s The Demons in the Machine
• Write short essays on “The Truth”
• 30 mins non-stop freestyle swimming

This is enough for now. Let’s see how much I can get done in this year.

Moneys worries

One great thing about having a kid is children’s literature. Whether or not you have a kid, I would strongly recommend reading children books. Roald Dahl, Ruskin Bond, Secret Seven, and many others. It is a delight to read them; but reading them with a child is a different treat altogether. I hope we continue to read together forever. It is one of my most favourite activities to do with Naina.

So we were reading this awesome story: Gangsta Granny; a must read. We finished reading the chapter when Ben discovers a tin full of precious gems and diamonds in his Granny’s kitchen. Granny tells him nerve wreaking stories of stealing each of those jewels. It was a superb read.

As we switched off the lights ready to fall asleep, Naina remarks.

N: What if I don’t get a job when I grow up?

Me: You want a job to make money or something else?

N: money

Me: Then you don’t really need a job; you can find different ways to make money.

Stealing as a profession was also discussed earlier that evening. We observed that, even though Granny had a bucket load of precious gems, she lived in a rickety old cottage like a poor person. If she sells the jewels, she might get caught. So stealing didn’t seem like a meaningful profession.

N: I want a lot of money. Then I can buy houses, put them on rent and live off on the rent.

Me (I got scared, at 8 she wants a lot of money, what would they mean!): Why do you need a lot of money?

N is silent

Me: You know this is a serious discussion, not suitable for a night chat. We need a spreadsheet to list down our expenses that we really need. (Trying to say that a lot of money is not needed to live a good life)

N: ok shut up, I want to sleep now

I felt a chill. An eight year old is worried about making money. This is when we hardly ever talk about importance of money. If this is the case with her, what is going on with so many of my nephews and nieces who are going to earn soon.

Such lies we live in.

So lucky

Tux Valley, Austria 2025

Sometimes my life flash across my eyes and I don’t believe my luck. It seems unbelievable how someone can be so lucky/blessed.

There are just so many people and instances to be grateful for. It is difficult to remember them all. Obviously my parents. I got the best of everything. My elder brothers are 11-12 older to me. In a way I am a generation younger. So whatever they couldn’t have, I got it all. And more. Literally, I had an IBM thinkpad in my 2nd or 3rd year in college when I believe most of my college professors didn’t have it! I had a telescope in class 10th! I had 100s of books including comics and picture books growing up. While I was born in a middle class family; I got the upper middle/ rich treatment.

Being youngest in extended family meant, all experimentation on my brothers and cousins was already completed and I could simply benefit from findings/observations. I could quickly move up the ladder of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

I was never treated differently because I was girl. I always carried my own baggage. Never told to “do this because you are a girl…”. In fact, the first time I was made aware of my gender was when my college mates would not be able to look me in the eye while talking. When I realised molestation is a real thing. I lived in a privileged world until school and was suddenly released into the wild reality in the college. Back at home, my parents still treat me no different than their sons. It is incredible to see they let me come home anytime day/night or consider me financially dependable. On my wedding day, my brother told me I could fly to Mauritius and have a vacation instead, if I am not sure about marriage. He was a lousy chaperone. But I knew what he was doing. Putting the ball in my court.

All this makes me who I am. I can never blame anyone for anything in my life, because the fact is, I made all the choices. I was given the space and freedom to do all the wrongs. To repent. To learn. To try again.

The greatest gift anyone can give you, is the gift of autonomy.

I was also privileged enough to find a life partner who, while it didn’t seem back then but it is quite clear now, had very similar values as mine. He actually took things up a notch. We all have been institutionally socialised to behave in the manner society expects us to. A good daughter, a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter in law, a good boss, a good employee, a good friend. All these “goods” are not as per our moral compass, but dictated by the society.

I was lucky enough to find a contrarian, a rebel in a husband. I always knew I was one, but I was lucky enough to marry another. It is so much easier and fun to discover things together. Together we discover our values, fears, insecurities, sources of happiness, and so much more. And the more we do, the more we realise how the society lie to us. Again and again.

When I start analysing my life, my choices, I end up feeling they are not just my own. They are a result of choices and lives of 100s of people who influenced me. I owe so much to them. There is no way to repay.

One selfless good deed always start another one. Maybe learning to be selfless is a way to start.

Success

After spending years in chasing money, power, respect, position and what not, it turns out success is something else.

From the book, The boy the mole the fox the horse

I read this book during Covid days. It is such a heartwarming book, a must read for all.

Honestly, I had never believed in love. It might sound strange, given I did what is conventionally called “love marriage” in India. I have been open about my marriage decision. It was a strategic alliance, much like most marriages, in-fact much like the whole institution of marriage. I weighed in all my options, and marrying this person was the path of least issues. It is like you create a decision tree and you choose the nodes one by one to minimize the cost function. There were many variables: independence, freedom, complementary traits, family planning and so on. Was love a factor? Naaaah!

Love seemed such a big word full of deceit and hypocrisy. I didn’t and still don’t know anyone who knows how to love.

Of course there are parents who “love” you, cherish you, accept you as you are. But I don’t think that is the “love” meant in that picture/quote above. Just becoming parents and loving your kids don’t make you successful. Parents don’t really love their kids. They care for them. They do everything in their power to keep them protected, happy, nourished. And in return, they expect the same treatment. It is a transactional relationship which is not balanced. Mostly they end up doing much more for you than you can ever do in return.

To Love, is simply to love. No give and take. No rights or wrongs. No rules of the society applied. No conditions. No judgements.

Is it even recommended? Won’t it destroy the very fabric of social justice? Are you asking me to love my husband who hits me everyday? (Not my husband, this is a rhetorical question) A rapist? A serial killer? Hitler? And so on.

A good part of my life was spent in justifying hatred. To hate is my birthright. It’s logical to hate people who do bad things, no? Similarly a good part of my life was spent in justifying “anger”. Justifying “disrespect”. You have to earn my respect.

Then I realised, all these feelings: hatred, anger, disrespect are totally inside of me. Just like love. It has its start and end inside of me. When I hate anyone, for any reason, it only makes me crappy. When I love anyone, for no reason, it only makes me complete.

Is it possible to love unconditionally? Love a rapist and the victim alike?

I am glad to report, yes. It is possible. It is a sensation which fills you in a way nothing else does. It completes you. It is the only true purpose of human existence. To forgive, to be kind, compassionate, empathic, and to love.

Have I learnt to love? Have I learnt any of those things?

If the journey is from 0 to 100, I am probably at 5. But that 5 is a big milestone for me. Most importantly, it is a proof of concept. I do believe, to be successful in life is to love.

What I find mind-boggling is the fact no one knows this, or tells you this.

The entire life is spent in running after knowledge, money, prestige, ego, power, and what not. Entire existence driven by fear or greed.

How come?!

Work life balance

Career and family is one of my most favourite topics to discuss. This interview reminded me of it.

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20250814-women-leaving-work-issie-lapowsky-katty-kay-interview

I was never a career oriented person. I didn’t want to be that powerful person up at the corporate ladder who demands respect and awe. After reading books like the Fountainhead, Jonathan Seagull during the impressionable years of teens, I started detesting power.

I always wanted to do something meaningful with my life. Something that has a positive impact on the world. This was a huge ask.

First of all, how do you define positive impact. For instance, now at 40, while running a business, I believe the one sure-shot way to create minimize negative impact is by creating zero waste. Is it possible to generate no waste? no. But I genuinely believe out of all the possible good deeds I can do in this world, this one is the least harmful. And the most difficult to achieve.

So I wanted to do something good in the world. And I wanted to have an equal relationship with my partner. While growing up, I saw all relationships as power struggle. Ultimately, humans are just trying to get an upper hand. Get things done their way. Almost all interactions is a game. Another book, Games people play, shaped my thoughts about human relationships.

I believe these two components make the story of career and family.

Component 1: Ability to contribute meaningfully to the world.

Component 2: Having an equal chance to express your needs and desires.

Things are quite simple when you look at it as these two asks.

It doesn’t matter what work one does.

It doesn’t matter how much money you earn.

If you don’t get these outcomes, you stay miserable. And without doing any job, if you get these outcomes you are happy.

There are a million ways to contribute. And yet no matter what you do, you might leave the world worse than what you started with. It is not easy to leave a positive mark in the world driven by almost everything irrelevant. So that is a personal challenge everyone has to solve.

Another challenging ask is to get the equal say, the seat on the table. How do you achieve equality in a relationship when by definition all relationships are power struggle?

I quote Gibran

Gibran on Marriage

I think what it means is, to not compete. To be kind. To watch and grow together. To focus on yourself. To be responsible for yourself.

I spent my entire life seeing how couples or family just want each other to change. They can’t accept each other for who they are. Probably, we can’t even accept ourselves for who we are. If and when it starts to happen, when we can accept ourselves and each other with all their faults and weaknesses, there is a chance for equality.

No job or career or power position can create it. It is a habit, a new way of thinking. And when it is achieved, you might even leave a positive mark in the world.

How do you do that when the success is defined by dollars in the bank or accolades you get? By BMI or looks? By how innovative or creative or visionary you are?Almost everything that counts in public opinion is irrelevant. It is like an illusion. A magic trick. Which doesn’t allow you to see the reality.

If you don’t forgive, you would stay mad

Said my 7 year old today

I don’t want to get into the whole episode of “why mad”, it is not even a story worth telling. I will share what happened afterwards.

After behaving badly, when I drew my breathe and got a chance to connect with myself, I felt bad. I apologised to Naina.

Her response was “also say sorry to papa”.

I was like No way, not happening! Na na

I am so mad at him, I am not going to apologise

That is when she said those pearls of wisdom.

If you don’t forgive him you would stay mad

And that was like…. I can’t describe that feeling.

I smiled and said

you are correct, but I don’t want to stop being mad at all.

Then I dwelt on it. And I don’t know how or why but I saw my anger melting away. Because actually I didn’t want to be mad at him. It was just anger taking over me. Controlling me.

She chuckled and told me a story of Bluey in which a character was just mad and didn’t know why he was mad.

The rest of the car ride was us sharing our thoughts about anger. I felt I could share with her like an equal. First I sent an apology to her dad. Felt better than I had felt in a long time. Sent apology to other family members.

Then we started talking about anger. How anger has so much power. We discussed about Hulk and Elsa. How anger makes Hulk a different creature. How Elsa breaks her ice palace due to anger and hurt.

Then Naina shared an example of how Devi overpowers anger.

Devi killing demon which represents ego, ignorance, desire.

I was amazed again. We are not religious people, don’t visit temples. She has seen these statues only twice in her life. Yet something in her stayed to let her remember. Actually I have emphasised how this Devi is my inspiration. Maybe that’s why she recalled her.

Then I shared how worst kind of mad is being mad about being mad. How I want to be like that Devi and control my anger. But I end up getting angry again and again. And then I am angry for being angry. That made us both laugh.

While I was sharing my agony of failure; she patiently encouraged me to see reason.

N: Everyone feels all emotions at one point or other. Said the wise 7 year old.

Me: Yes I know. But I want to be like that Devi.

N: Do you want to be like Devi or like Mother Teresa?

(Yesterday night when praying at night, we were discussing about mother Teresa and how she has been my inspiration since childhood)

Me: Well, like Mother Teresa (MT), because Devi is a fictional character and MT is real.

How Devi is like Santa Clause. I don’t know if it’s even possible to be like one.

N: You know how Santa Clause story started?

And that changed the topic.

I guess this whole episode just makes me feel so happy about everything we stand for.

Nitesh and I have spent a good deal of our lives learning to be parents, by understanding ourselves at deepest levels, but learning to communicate, to listen.

This whole episode validates our assumptions, proves we are on right track.

Kids are not empty vessels. They are not to be filled with knowledge or wisdom. They are not to be told the difference between right and wrong.

They are to be trusted. To be respected. To be encouraged. To think. To be kind. To seek help from. To be treated like adults, while enjoying laugh, dance, energy within.

Aren’t they the best gift any adult can have?!

What went wrong with technology?

Same as what went wrong with everything else.

Same as what went wrong with church.

With modern state legislatures

With aristocracy.

With pharmacy.

Power corrupts.

Money misguides.

Until a couple of months, I felt I am no longer afraid of anything like I used to be. My fear sensation has significantly dropped. I had stopped being scared of silly things about future. Even about running out of money. Of downgrading lifestyle.

Freedom from fear is one of the greatest freedoms.

Until recently I was proven wrong.

I have been a big advocate of AI since the beginning. Reason being, I love growth, progress in terms of achieving higher efficiency. In search of truth. I find AI to be less prejudiced, less dishonest than most humans.

However, it is not a surprise that hiring has fallen sharply and downsizing is growing slowly. I did a paper in college analysing a city which was once a hub of industrial growth in India and 200 years later when industries failed, the city was taken over by unemployment, lawlessness, poverty, inequality and other such diseases of modern society.

I can’t get over that imagine of the world. When billions would be without work. The government can distribute free livelihoods. Food is not the real problem. Shelter is not the real problem.

Not having a purpose in life is.

It is a fear gripping me. Not for myself. I have only one purpose. To meditate. Fear is for everyone around me. That world is a bleak place. Bleaker than it ever was.