Observing my intolerance

Towards communalism is a new high.

I have spent many a days wondering why I am so intolerant towards rising communalism in my country. Each time I start to think about it, I only end up justifying why secularism is better and the only peaceful way of social living. This line of thought in turn justifies my intolerance towards communalism. Which fuels more intolerance towards what’s happening around.

But I couldn’t find any reason for this intolerance. I guess it’s just another addiction. Addicted to your ideology. Craving for things to be how we want them to be. I want all humans to love and respect each other, no matter what differences. I want people to be tolerant and adjusting to each other.

But I fail to be one such human myself. I fail to be tolerant towards those who spread hatred and fear.

Does it mean to become tolerant, one has to go beyond right and wrong? Anyone does anything and you have to accept it? Won’t that lead to a social chaos?

I guess the answer lies in parenthood. When you child does something against your wishes, do you get intolerant or do you accept them as they are? If one can accept their kid for who they are, why not others?

It’s just difficult, but not impossible.

Someone correctly said, Be the change you want to see in others.

Love story: now and then

In my late teens and early 20ies, I was a fiction novel junkie. Those authors who would be judged as shallow or masala-writers, were my favourite then. Jeffery Archer, Eric Segal. I loved them. But when asked who was my favourite writer, I would say Jane Austen. Although I loved her too, having read Pride and Prejudice like a 100 times. But it was still a pretentious response. I would not just grab a Jane Austen, it needed a commitment. It wasn’t an easy read like Archer or Segal. It wasn’t filled with profanity which seemed so cool at that age.

I had this one copy of Eric Segal’s Love Story which I loved. This book was very precious to me. Sole drama book among so called respectable authors like Amitav Ghosh, Jane Austin, George Orwell. It was such a thin book, that none of my friends noticed it until one day.

After that it was passed on and on and on. And never found it’s way back to me. Apparently it went to boys hostel too. In fact boys told me they read that book. I judged those boys too. Real Boys aren’t supposed to be reading romantic novels. The conventional notions we grew up with!

For some reason this month, I remembered Andy Williams and so began my journey into the memory lane. Since then I have heard the song “Where do I begin” everyday on repeat. Remembered my hostel friend who would play Moon River on piano and how we would sing Frank Sinatra while taking a walk around the campus at night. Based on my choices, Alexa has created a playlist for me consisting of Tony Bennett, Robert Goulet and others. Thanks lovely AI!

So anyways, the songs triggered the memory of these authors and books. A good way to measure how one has changed over years is to read the same book again and notice one’s reactions to it. So I picked up Love Story again, this time Kindle version (will stay in my account forever now!).

It is an irony that the last book I read before this one was Career and Family by Nobel winner in economics this year, Claudia Goldin. Funny how it is also about Harvard grads, it is also about love and family. Only, it is non-fictional, realistic, full of numbers and the story goes on for many years after marriage. Goldin explains the history and reasons for work pay disparity between genders. She also offers suggestions on how we can achieve gender equality by bringing more flexibility at work.

So after that super serious analysis, when I picked up Eric Segal’s Love Story, it felt like reading a fairy tale interspersed with profanity and slang. I loved it. Again. Same emotions floating up after so long. I could feel the 20 year old in me coming alive after being dormant for 2 decades. I recalled how during my college, which was Harvard of India, we were so arrogant, how we felt invincible. It was so easy to relate to the book at that time. It could be easily be my story.

How the girl in the story never pursued her career. I myself never liked career minded girls. And the story supported my viewpoint. At that time it seemed protagonist was a girl who dies, who was brilliant, loving, kind, funny, forgiving, sacrificing. Basically perfect. Perfect wife.

Which girl doesn’t want to relate to that in their 20ies. And she marries the top of the class, jock, lawyer basically Prince Charming. What could be better than that.

Now after 2 decades, I know the story isn’t about the girl at all. It was always about the boy. Who writes the story. Who gets everything his way. Who is extremely ill mannered, selfish, insensitive, ungrateful, spoiled brat. Only on the girl’s death bed he realises she never got to live her dreams. She sacrificed her entire life for his goals. And mind you, the writer makes it a point that dying girl liberates the boy of this guilt.

What would the story be in today’s age? Would such a talented girl leave all her dreams to live the life suitable for her husband. I don’t think so. But would pursuing that dream be better than spending time with the man she loved? Difficult to say.

Love story in today’s world is a complicated affair. It is free of conventions. It is filled with possibilities. Nowadays self-love supersedes other kinds of love. Although much has changed in 2 decades, the concept of loneliness remains the same. Many types of love have sprouted but loneliness hasn’t changed much. It is very much there now as it was then.

Am I responsible for how my kid turns out?

The answer is NO

This answer is a revelation to me. And I feel a new sense of freedom and joy. I have spent many sessions with my husband discussing this topic. His answer was always No. My answer was always Yes, until now. Isn’t “yes” the obvious answer? If I hit my child everyday, wouldn’t the abuse be responsible for making him/her what s/he does? Most likely a psychopath or a broken individual. Isn’t parents behaviour same as consuming alcohol during pregnancy? You can disrupt major wiring in the brain leading to abnormalities.

Hence, in my discussions with husband, I would just agree to disagree, while in my mind believing that all that I do, say, act has a direct profound impact on my child.

I am Not disagreeing with the point about impact. It is undeniable. However, it is wrong to say that my actions are solely responsible for how my kid turns out. While we can say an abusive environment had a significant influence on an individual leading him towards psychological disorders, we can’t say it is solely responsible for that state.

After a certain point, an individual is on his own.

After that it is a matter of personal choice to be whatever a person wants to be. A psychopath or not. A kind loving person or not. A happy person or not. An angry person or not. It’s a choice we make.

Then what role does a parent play?

I think it’s like baking. For beginners. Every time you put batter/dough in oven, you have tried your best and hope for the best. Baking amateurs know everytime the result is different. You spend many batches mastering the perfect combination of ingredients, mixing techniques, rising, baking, cooking and so on.

In case of parenting, by the time you master it, the kid is grown and gone. Or maybe even by then you haven’t really mastered it. And now you are out of flour to experiment any more. That is parenting. You need to give your best at every attempt (~every phase of child growth) and hope for the best.

But the outcome is not really in your hands. At the best it will give you some clue what to do better for the next batch (next phase / day).

Why this revelation today is so important to me?

It helps me accept myself like I would accept my kid. Accept my flaws. My shortcomings. My failings. I am who I am with everything in me, all good and bad. And while my good spreads good, my bad will spread bad. There is no stopping that. And I can accept it. Which is very relieving.

It is an extremely fair life

I have seen how social mindset around me has changed tremendously in the last one decade. It is unnerving to witness this change which is so blunt and crude. It’s like watching a child grow. Only a growing child is a natural course and you expect nothing less. The strong social change of mindset is not natural. It is not expected to happen within a decade. And yet it has.

I grew up somehow genuinely believing that we are a secular country. I held my parents responsible for making me believe this. We were a Hindu household. I studied in a Christian school until primary years. Lived in a secular neighbourhood with many different regional identities. I remember celebrating all festivals including Eid, Christmas. While in Lucknow I didn’t have any Sikhs friend and that problem also solved when we moved to Delhi. Somehow I believed what I read in books that India is a nation of so many different regions, cultures, traditions, religions. We had such promotional ads playing on television. It all seemed to be the truth. There was not too much content to contest at that time. And the narrative was clearly that we are secular. From different sources.

This narrative has changed drastically. But more importantly, the belief has changed too. It has been changing since many years now. It has been a source of great pain to me personally. Fear, more than pain. But I have always told myself, this is not my battle. I am helpless to stand against this tsunami.

The problem is our lives are extremely fair. You get what you give. Always. Without exception. And that scares me now.

So this war, Israel and Hamas, has been all over the news. It’s sad to see people in such a state. I pray for both sides, for all those involved. Not sure if it works, but I do hope that they can find a few moments of relief in an extremely hellish time. Yes I do pray for them. But at times, I am filled with rage too. Didn’t they know this was coming? Is there anyone who knew about that area can say with conviction that this result was not expected? If they knew, why did that not fight for peace? Why did they not leave all their work , their jobs, their families and just worked to get a solution.

When we got independence 75 years back, it was after generations of struggle. People devoted their lives fighting for freedom and peace. If they didn’t do it, I wouldn’t have the life I have right now. It is the responsibility of each generation to make a better place for next generation. That’s what our forefathers did a century back in India.

It didn’t happen in Gaza. It didn’t happen in Israel. They were not ready to sacrifice their lives fighting for peace. It is easy to blame governments, but actually it’s people like you and me who run the country, the world. We get exactly what we want.

I see “the secular” world transformed into “hate” driven world in India now. Where people are judged by their religion, their gender, their regions, their Gods. Not by their ability. Not by their skills. Not by their attitude.

And what do I do?

I choose to play the “weak” card. “I can’t do much, the powerful are driving this change.”

It is a lie that I tell myself. I am not really weak. I am lazy. I don’t want to disturb my comfort zone. This is not my battle. What will I gain from it?

Its true. I won’t gain anything. But when in future, the game matures, which it will, I will be caught up in a helpless situation, much like war civilians, will it be fair for me to curse my life? My situation?

Not really. My choice today is the reason for my situation tomorrow. If the choice is to be silent and let hate spread, I have to be prepared to live in a world run by hate. And this is the world our generation created for our children. We taught them to mistrust and hate.

It’s a v fair life. We deserve what we get.

Added later: I know it might seem that this post is very simplistic. Especially when we read articles like the one below. It is well written article.

Israel-Gaza war: What is the price of peace? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-67701700

But; the crux of peace lies in tolerance. Agree to disagree. And the first step is to accept how much we love to hate. How much difficult it is to not hate.

Disappear

It was a strange series of events. I got an email from LinkedIn to congratulate a friend who completed x years in an organisation.

Now, being in financial industry since many years, I have forgotten about most of the friends and contacts from what seems like a different life now; who used to work in other fields such as social work, education and such. This particular person was from journalism. A very good friend at a point in life. Always helpful. I haven’t thought of him in so many years. Now Linkedin has reminded me about him.

So I went online to check about what he is upto. It would be fun to catch up and ask him what he thinks about current journalism scene. But first I need to find out what he is currently doing. So ask google.

The first result shocked me.

It was a Wikipedia page where it mentioned he had died. Last year.

It’s shocking. Unnerving. Scary. And extremely sad. I hope it’s a wrong news. It can’t be possible. He was in prime of his health. Also death wasn’t in Covid times. Was he killed? President and PM expressed condolences for such a senior journalist. It was cancer.

Still, I don’t want to believe. I went back to check my last communication with him. Yes, it was a different world and different time. He always replied and was so helpful. Our last mail exchange was from him and not from me. I didn’t even congratulate him on his wedding.

I was always a bit jealous of him. He was too brilliant. Too focused. Like a shooting star. And now he was gone. I didn’t even know. It’s crazy. It’s very saddening.

There are so many friends from last 20-25 years, I am not in touch with. They will also die one day and I might not get to know. So so so many people who helped shape me who I am today. Who had inspired. Who had motivated. They were source of light when all was dark.

And the idiot I am, I don’t reach out to them. Speak to them. Tell them how important they were to me. It’s just idiotic.

I keep thinking I will write to my professors and thank them. Write to these old friends (now not even acquaintances) and say hello. And the world is such that when you say what you really want to, you are considered cheesy. It’s not cool to say to people you love them. There some idiotic interpretation of such conversations.

And then we all die. Doing all unimportant things. It’s just too sad.

I breathe, therefore I am.

If humans had taglines, what would yours be?

Deriving from René Descartes philosophy on thinking and knowing. Although I agree completely with his ideas which shape modern science and epistemology, I couldn’t disagree more with the significance we give to cognition and usage of prefrontal cortex. Most happening within ourselves can’t be accounted by “thinking”.

Thoughts are like water vapours rising from a hot cup of tea. They couldn’t be any more meaningful.

This is a thought too! :-)

Friend who accepts and inspires

What quality do you value most in a friend?

1. Acceptance: A true friend accepts you as you are.

2. Inspiring: A true friend will always inspire you to become a better version of yourself

Although seemingly contradictory, these two statements are in fact complementary.

When you love someone, you love them with all their faults and shortcomings. Love has no reason, no boundaries, no logic. It is there simply because we are hard wired to love. It promotes well being. That’s why we love.

It’s difficult to know why we love some and don’t love others. Foundation of friendship is love. We make friends with someone because we love their company and eventually learn to love them too.

And when you love someone, you want the best for that person. Hence, you want to see they live to their fullest. Be happy always. Be whatever they want to be. You want all good things for them. So, you inspire them.

I am indeed blessed to have many friends who accept me as I am and keep inspiring me all the time.

Having it all

What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?

It is one of the dangerous of phrases, much like the misleading title of “supermom”.

The question shouldn’t be whether it is attainable or not. Because then you are asking a question similar to “can I climb Mt Everest or not?” And the answer is life. You get a goal to pursue. The question should be “why?”

Why have it all? Edmund Hillary’s response was “Because it is there”. That’s as silly as any other response. Why drink poison? “Because I can?” Similarly try having it all, because…….???

I have no idea why someone would want to have it all. What then? The happily ever after? By the age of 30 most of us are out of fairy tale world. The happily ever after doesn’t exist. Thank god for that. I am sure if it did, I would have ruined it somehow. Then what is it? Why the concept of having it all exist at all?

I guess it is the lie on which consumerism exists. You need to want everything. It starts with food, shelter, essentials. Relationships. Social well-being. Then we have experiences. Travel. Luxury. Owning. Now, one also need “me time”. Happiness. Spirituality. Therapy (the new religion). Fitness. Weight. Figure. If you are a parent, then all this will be required for the kid(s) as well. Also spouse. Maybe siblings or family members.

Where does having it all stop?

I don’t think it ever does or ever can.

Wonder why “having it all” has greater mileage than “giving it all”? In mainstream, rarely we talk about those cases where people have given it up all. When you literally need nothing. Now that is a question worth asking – is that attainable? Also, the question “why?” Why give it all up?

Because if that is attainable, if you can indeed give everything up, you kinda have it all. Ironic, huh?!

One week without WhatsApp

My average screen time was greater than 4.5 hours when I decided to delete a few apps including WhatsApp from my mobile.

Weekly usage before WhatsApp

I had known WhatsApp used to take most of my time and so I had set limits to the app usage. I had already deleted entertainment apps such as prime video many weeks back. I usually don’t consume YouTube for entertainment so I haven’t yet deleted it.

After WhatsApp and other apps deletion in the last week, my screen time drastically changed and so did my mannerisms to entertain myself.

Amazon Music is at the top now

Drastic change from the day apps were deleted (Wednesday evening)

Has it made my life better?

Honestly, it’s hard to say. I had to ping quite a few people on messenger to tell them about this move. Phone calls increased with family since WhatsApp group is no longer available. Real problem was faced with a lot of local vendors who do entire business on WhatsApp. I had to rely on my husband’s WhatsApp, without his app, it would have been hard to continue purchases from local vendors. It is difficult to inform so many people that I am no longer on WhatsApp and requesting them to switch to SMS instead.

In short, WhatsApp is clearly extremely important if you want to text for communication. It is clearly a superb app for non-verbal communication, non-urgent message dropping service. It works very well as voice mail as well.

However, I want to continue with no-WhatsApp-trial for some more time check the following hypothesis.

Hypothesis: WhatsApp (text, image, video, voice messaging) has led to more one way communication and is not a real fulfilling conversation.

For transactional conversations, I agree WhatsApp is the best service at your fingertips. But for personal relationships and meaningful conversations, I am not sure if this is the way.

If instead of WhatsApp I start using iMessages, it hardly serves any purpose. Then I would say my hypothesis has failed. However, if instead of WhatsApp I end up having phone conversations more often, then maybe there is some truth in that claim.

Let’s see how it goes. One more week of trial to continue, at least.

Being sick

Is extremely important to develop empathy.

Only when you are at your weakest, most vulnerable of moments, do you get to “feel” humbled. You understand the pain of others in similar situation.

In an otherwise robotic world, especially for efficient rule-loving personalities like myself, it is not easy to understand what it feels like when things aren’t in your control. That’s usually the case when you are sick. Of course I am still disciplined and ticking all checkboxes: gargles, steam, soup, blah blah. But ultimately when you are sick, you just have to wait it out. There is not much to be done.

You have to let others run the show. You need to trust others and their judgements. The fact that our lives depend on others is so clear and blinding. The fact which is often overlooked when you are well and in control.

It really is a v humbling experience.

I hope with each of my sicknesses I am able to reshape my neural connections so that next time I am around a sick person, I can treat them with a lot more dignity and patience.

It’s not easy to develop such a loving caring personality but with consistent efforts even the rock turns into sand. :-)

Book suggestion: If you ever find yourself stumbling what to say in any situation to any one: client, employee, child, parent, partner, etc etc, this book is for you. I have got audiobook and it’s wonderful.